Well, it looks like this might be my last post for a while. It seems Dani is itching to take control of her blog back. I hope you'll read the rest of my story in Submerged. Today's subject is a touchy one for me. I'm a Christian. I should know all about redemption. Thing is, I believe Christ died for my sins and I believe He saved me, but I still struggle. As you've learned these past few weeks if you read my posts on Facing Your Fears and Shame (still stinging from that one), I continue to wrestle with fear and shame.

I should know better. I should have it all together on the inside like I do on the outside, but I don't.

I still struggle.

I still hurt.

Regret and shame still cling to me like an ugly old sign flashing 'she doesn't belong.'

I strive to be good, to be perfect and on the outside I might even appear to be, but on the inside....

Bethany shared redemption's definition over on Katie's blog today. Four and Five hit me the hardest.

1. An act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed

2. Deliverance or rescue

3. Deliverance from sin; salvation

4. Atonement from guilt (I wish! I know I'm saved, but I fear this guilt will never go away. And, in truth, I don't deserve for it to).

5. Repurchase, as of something sold (I gave myself away painfully enough, but you're going to have to read my story if you want to find out more, because unlike Dani, I'm not ready to share the source of my shame).

What about you? Which definition of redemption hits you hardest, for good or for bad?

Check out Dani's Facebook Author Page or Katie Ganshert's Facebook Author Page for some encouragement regarding redemption.

You have probably noticed that I haven't posted in two weeks. It's because my mom was sick. Very sick. Last week she went Home to be with Jesus.

Marlene Moe

1939-2012

My mom was beautiful inside and out. She was amazingly brave and loving. I'm going to miss her dearly, but I know she's in Heaven and that I'll get to spend eternity with her. That knowledge comforts my current heartache. There seems to be a lot of heartache going around. We know several families that have lost dear ones (a father, a spouse, a father-in-law) just this week and my heart goes out to them. I pray the God of all comfort will fill them with the peace that surpasses understanding.

I have been awed at the outpouring of love my family has received during this difficult time--flowers, cards, meals, visits. I thank God for each and every person that reached out. Two Bible verses really stuck with me and I'd like to share them with you. If you've recently lost a loved one, I pray they will fill you with comfort.

~"Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord." Corinthians 5:8 (Thank you, Jonathan)

~"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s." Romans 14:8 (Thank you, kiddo)

You may have noticed that I didn't post last Friday. I was helping take care of my mom. We found out recently that her cancer has spread to her brain which is, of course, very serious. She recently had surgery and is undergoing treatment, but it is taking its toll. So this week, in honor of my mom, I want to share one of my very favorite things about her and that is perseverance. My mom is an absolutely phenomenal example of perseverance. She has been battling this disease since the late 80's with a sixteen year remission period that unfortunately ended five years ago. I looked up perseverance on Dictionary.com and found two very different definitions:

• 1.steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

• 2.Theology . continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

I would wager when the world thinks about perseverance, they think of definition  number one--persisting in spite of obstacles.

While this type of perseverance is helpful, I believe my mom's perseverance is more closely linked  with definition number two. Despite everything she is continuing in a state of grace. Her perseverance comes from within; it comes from the knowledge that God is in control.  It comes as a gift from God.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1

She could choose to refuse treatment, she could give up, but she continues pressing forward on the path she feels led. She is running the race He has laid out for her and trusting  Him with the outcome.

Mom had and I had a good chat recently. She told me that she  isn't scared, that she knows where she's going when she dies and exactly Who will be calling her home. I heard this song after visiting with her that day.

I pray this peace reigns in your hearts.